ACTUAL CLAIM FORM QUOTES:
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design, it ran away.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
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An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.
On the 405 freeway, I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.
We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off my car.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
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The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)
I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.
I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he gored my car.
She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
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A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle.
- This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
Ten Signs You Need a Really Long Vacation
- You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
- You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
- You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
- You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
- You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
- You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
- You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
- You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
- You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
- You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
