Actuary Jokes
Actuaries do it without risk.Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.
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Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine.
The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck. The executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free."
So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. Again the Executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free."
So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "
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A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.
However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.
The broker is punished first because he drank the most.
"What is your wish?", asks the saudi prince.
"I'd like to have a pillow on my back," replies the broker.
So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.
The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
"I'd like to have two pillows on my back," boldly states the actuary.
So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.
Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn't drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.
The agent then states, "Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20."
"Your courage is impressive," states the prince. "and for your second wish?"
"Strap the actuary onto my back", replies the agent.
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An Actuary is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting.
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An actuary is one who, if you're drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he's meeting you MORE than half-way.
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In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They're called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they're called actuaries.
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Ask an actuary "What's 2 + 2?"
Response: "What do you want it to be?"
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A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by.
"Excuse me," yells the parachutist, "but could you tell me where I am?"
The hiker looks up and says, "Yes, you're twenty feet above the ground."
"Thank you," replies the skydiver, "You must be an actuary."
"What makes you say that?" asked the hiker.
The skydiver answered, "Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!"
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Question: "What is the difference between God and an actuary?"
Answer: :"God doesn't think he's an actuary."
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Question; "What do actuaries use as contraceptives?"
Answer: "Their personality."
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An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.
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Actuary talking: "There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can't."
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Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
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A life actuary designed a new coverage "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because "If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile."
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When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them die each year."
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Actuaries are very good at numbers - so good they even do sex by numbers. They know 156 different sexual positions. They just don't know anyone who wants to have sex with them.
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A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?"
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A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.
The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.
The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"
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An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there."
The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"
The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."
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A lawyer, an accountant and an actuary are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife.
The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce.
The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective.
The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.
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How do you get an actuary to laugh on a Thursday? Tell them a joke on a Monday.
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If irreverent priests are defrocked, and dishonest attorneys are disbarred, shouldn't difficult actuaries be deactivated?
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An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.
The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only."
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An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump.
The underwriter says, "I'll bet you fifty bucks he doesn't jump."
The actuary says, "I'll take that bet." A few minutes later the guy jumps.
As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news".
The underwriter responds, "So did I, but I just didn't think it would happen twice."
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an actuary joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" tall, 250 pounds, and he's an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
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The CEO of a insurance company loses his Chief Actuary and hires a firm of headhunters to find a new one. After a while they contact him to say they have five candidates for interview.
To their surprise he asks if any of them has only one arm. After checking the files they indeed find one who has only one arm.
The CEO immediately says "OK, I'll take him".
When asked why, the CEO replies "I want an actuary who can make a decision. I'm fed up with actuaries who keep saying "But on the other hand..."
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An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to eat and the underwriter replies, "I'll have the steak."
The waiter then asks the underwriter, "And for your vegetables?"
The underwriter replies, "They'll have steaks too."
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Q: How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?  |
Answer: "How many did it take last year?" |
| Q: What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary? |
Answer: An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a mafia actuary can name them. |
| Q: What's the difference between an actuary and an accountant? |
Answer: An actuary does much the same thing as an accountant but lacks the accountant's bright and vivacious personality. |
| Q: What's the difference between a sperm and an actuary? |
Answer: The sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being. |
| Q: How do you keep an actuary in the shower all day? |
Answer: Give the actuary a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat." |
| Q: What is the difference between an actuary and a computer? |
Answer: At least the computer has some type kind of personality. |
| Q: How do you recognize an extrovert actuary? |
Answer: He looks at your shoes and not his own, when he is speaking to you. |
| Q: What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone? |
Answer: Popular. |
| Q: How do you tell the difference between an actuary and the deceased person at a funeral? |
Answer: The deceased has a new tie. |
| Q: What did the actuary receive for first degree murder? |
Answer: Twenty years certain and life thereafter. |
| Q: What is a joke to an actuary? |
Answer: Something that ALMOST makes him or her laugh. |
