Actuary Jokes
Actuaries do it without risk.
Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.
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A consulting actuary is a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch.
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Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine.
The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck. The executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free."
So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. Again the Executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free."
So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "
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Actuarial bumper stickers:
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- Actuaries probably do it.
- Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
- Actuaries do it without risk.
- Actuaries do it by integrating by parts.
- Actuaries do it continuously and discretely.
- Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.
- Actuaries do it with varying rates of interest.
- Actuaries do it with models.
- Actuaries do it with reserve.
- Actuaries do it with assurance.
- Actuaries do it with professional guidance.
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A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.
However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.
The broker is punished first because he drank the most.
"What is your wish?", asks the saudi prince.
"I'd like to have a pillow on my back," replies the broker.
So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.
The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
"I'd like to have two pillows on my back," boldly states the actuary.
So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.
Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn't drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.
The agent then states, "Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20."
"Your courage is impressive," states the prince. "and for your second wish?"
"Strap the actuary onto my back", replies the agent.
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What did God say when he created Actuaries? He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!" They took it literally...
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An Actuary is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting.
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And then there is the actuary who was so dull the other actuaries noticed.
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An actuary is someone who'd rather be completely wrong than approximately right.
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A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group.
When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the bathroom he said, "Ticket, please."
One ticket slid out, he punched it, and went on his way.
On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they'd try the same trick, but this time they noticed the actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom.
One of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please."
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Affordable Health Insurance
An actuary is one who, if you're drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he's meeting you MORE than half-way.
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Actuaries are people who skipped the first six grades of school ... when all the other kids were learning short words.
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In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They're called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they're called actuaries.
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Actuaries like to have fun...when nobody is watching.
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Ask an actuary "What's 2 + 2?"
Response: "What do you want it to be?"
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A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by.
"Excuse me," yells the parachutist, "but could you tell me where I am?"
The hiker looks up and says, "Yes, you're twenty feet above the ground."
"Thank you," replies the skydiver, "You must be an actuary."
"What makes you say that?" asked the hiker.
The skydiver answered, "Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!"
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Question: "What is the difference between God and an actuary?"
Answer: :"God doesn't think he's an actuary."
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Question; "What do actuaries use as contraceptives?"
Answer: "Their personality."
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In response to "How much is two plus two?",
a marketing VP will say "22";
an accountant will say "4";
a mathematician will say "I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following proof ... ";
an actuary will ask "What do you want it to equal?"
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An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.
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Did you hear about the actuary who was so negative, when he walked into a room people would look around and say, "Who just left?"
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Actuary talking: "There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can't."
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Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
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What does an actuary's wife do when she has insomnia? She rolls over and says, "Tell me again, darling. Just what is it you do for a living?"
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A life actuary designed a new coverage "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because "If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile."
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You can take all the actuaries in the world and put them end to end, and they still won't reach agreement.
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When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them die each year."
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The only difference between actuaries and accountants is that actuaries don't have to know how to golf in order to get a job.
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Actuaries are very good at numbers - so good they even do sex by numbers. They know 156 different sexual positions. They just don't know anyone who wants to have sex with them.
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Actuaries are accountants who couldn't stand the excitement.
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Question: How can you tell when a pricing actuary is getting soft?
Answer: When he or she actually LISTENS to Marketing before saying "No".
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A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?"
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Three actuaries are at heaven's gate and are being questioned by St. Peter on what usefulness they did in life.
The first actuary says, "I discovered a new rating plan that rates people more fairly," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven."
The second actuary says, "I discovered a new forecasting technique that predicts claims more accurately," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven."
The third actuary says, "I invented HMOs." St. Peter says, "Fine, you may stay three days, but then you have to leave."
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A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.
The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.
The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"
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An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there."
The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"
The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."
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Two underwriters boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an actuary got on and took the aisle seat next to the two underwriters. The actuary kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the underwriter in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a soda."
"No problem," said the actuary, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the underwriters picked up the actuary's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the soda, the other underwriter said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the actuary obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other underwriter picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Actuary returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Actuary slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in sodas?"
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A lawyer, an accountant and an actuary are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife.
The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce.
The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective.
The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.
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How do you get an actuary to laugh on a Thursday? Tell them a joke on a Monday.
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If irreverent priests are defrocked, and dishonest attorneys are disbarred, shouldn't difficult actuaries be deactivated?
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An accountant, a lawyer, and an actuary are walking down the street when they come upon a man who has just accidently dropped a number of coins out of his pocket onto the sidewalk.
The accountant glances around at the coins, totals their value, and advises the man on how much he lost.
The lawyer ignores the coins and starts searching the sidewalk for dollar bills.
And the actuary uses the total value of the lost coins to project what's left in the guy's pocket.
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An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.
The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only."
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A doctor, an engineer and an actuary were arguing about which was the oldest profession.
The doctor stated that God created Eve from Adam's rib, which was of course a surgical procedure.
The engineer argued that, earlier, God had created order from chaos, which was an engineering feat.
"But," asked the actuary, "who created the chaos?"
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An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump.
The underwriter says, "I'll bet you fifty bucks he doesn't jump."
The actuary says, "I'll take that bet." A few minutes later the guy jumps.
As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news".
The underwriter responds, "So did I, but I just didn't think it would happen twice."
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Today's actuary can get a certain amount of social respect anywhere ... by pretending to be an economist.
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an actuary joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" tall, 250 pounds, and he's an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
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The CEO of a insurance company loses his Chief Actuary and hires a firm of headhunters to find a new one. After a while they contact him to say they have five candidates for interview.
To their surprise he asks if any of them has only one arm. After checking the files they indeed find one who has only one arm.
The CEO immediately says "OK, I'll take him".
When asked why, the CEO replies "I want an actuary who can make a decision. I'm fed up with actuaries who keep saying "But on the other hand..."
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An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener.
The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open.
The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents.
The actuary says, "Assume a can opener ... "
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"I once told an actuary to go to the end of the line. He came back five minutes later and said he couldn't because someone else was already there."
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An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to eat and the underwriter replies, "I'll have the steak."
The waiter then asks the underwriter, "And for your vegetables?"
The underwriter replies, "They'll have steaks too."
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When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to an eternity of musical produce.
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision. "Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Sales Demo."
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To see the answer, drag your mouse from one corner of the box to the opposite corner. Q: How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: "How many did it take last year?"
Q: What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary? Answer: An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a mafia actuary can name them.
Q: How does an actuary get a date? Answer: Go to a bar, and show your W-2.
Q: What's the difference between an actuary and an accountant? Answer: An actuary does much the same thing as an accountant but lacks the accountant's bright and vivacious personality.
Q: What's the difference between a sperm and an actuary? Answer: The sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How do you keep an actuary in the shower all day? Answer: Give the actuary a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Q: What is the difference between an actuary and a computer? Answer: At least the computer has some type kind of personality.
Q: How do you recognize an extrovert actuary? Answer: He looks at your shoes and not his own, when he is speaking to you.
Q: What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone? Answer: Popular.
Q: How do you tell the difference between an actuary and the deceased person at a funeral? Answer: The deceased has a new tie.
Q: Why did the actuary put in his will that he is to be buried in Israel? Answer: The chances of resurrection are better there.
Q: What did the actuary receive for first degree murder? Answer: Twenty years certain and life thereafter.
Q: What is a joke to an actuary? Answer: Something that ALMOST makes him or her laugh.
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Affordable Health Insurance
I'm FINE, Thank You!
There is nothing the matter with me.
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both of my knees
and when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Arch supports I have for my feet,
Or I wouldn't be able to be on the street,
Sleep is denied me night after night'
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory is failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtake me, I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the "Obits",
If my name is still missing I know I'm not dead,
So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed.
The moral is this as my tale I unfold...
That for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in.
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"Remember, you can be young without money, but you can't be old without it!" Current statistics state that of 100 men who retire at age 65:
1 will be wealthy
4 will be financially independent
15 will have some savings
80 will retire poor, flat broke living only on a pension, social security and charity.
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