Managed Care Jokes
Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb in an HMO?  |
Answer: Only one, but it needs a pre-auth before it can be done. |
| Q: What's a shy and retiring hospital executive? |
Answer: An executive who's a million dollars shy and that's why he is retiring. |
| Q: Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order? |
Answer: It's called Suture Self. |
| Q: What is the difference between HMO's and Terrorists? |
Answer: You can bargain with terrorists. |
| Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of managed care reviewers? |
Answer: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. |
| Q: What is the difference between an HMO and a car battery? |
Answer: The battery has a positive side. |
| Q: What is the difference between an HMO doctor and a seagull? |
Answer: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes. |
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The Top 10 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park".
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them.
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
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Affordable Health Insurance |
An HMO Executive, a teacher and a banker were in a sailboat. Suddenly the boat hit a large rock which tore a hole in the bottom of the boat. To their horror they discovered that the life raft only had room for two passengers. A beautiful tropical island was visible on the horizon, but the water was infested with bloodthirsty sharks. While the teacher and banker were wondering what to do, the HMO executive dove into the water and began to swim toward the island. The others got into the raft and paddled off.
When they finally arrived on the shore of the island, they found the HMO executive sitting under a palm tree, sipping coconut milk. They were flabbergasted. "How did you survive in there with all of those bloodthirsty sharks?" they demanded.
"Easy," he replied as he took another sip, "Professional courtesy."
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
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A pretty, young blonde insurance agent, wearing a walkman with earphones, goes into the beauty parlor for a haircut. The stylist asks her to please remove the headphones, but the blonde tells her to cut around them.
Well, the stylist goes to work, carefully avoiding the headphones, but without realizing it, she accidentally snips the wire going from the headphones to the walkman.
Within several minutes, the blonde slides out of the chair, quite dead.
The stylist, in an attempt to find out what the blonde was listening to, pulls the plug from the headphones out of the walkman and hears: Inhale ... Exhale ... Inhale ... Exhale .......
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest hospital administrator and a drunk were walking down a street together when, all at the same time, they spy a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
Obviously the drunk, because the other three are mythological creatures.
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The CEO of a large managed care corporation was sitting in his office late one night, gloating over his latest acquisitions. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke and the smell of brimstone, Satan appeared before him.
Satan smiled at the CEO and said, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every every health care contract you bid on, for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and the souls of all the shareholders in your company."
The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
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Insurance agent to his lawyer: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me for six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
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There is a huge pigeon problem in the city - pigeon droppings are everywhere and it is a real mess. The mayor tells his staffers to find a way to get rid of the pigeons forever. Many things are tried, but nothing seems to be able to get rid of the pigeons.
Finally the staffers find a "pigeon buster" who guarantees to get rid of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee will be five million dollars - plus one million dollars for each question asked.
The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the pigeons disappear immediately, and they don't come back.
Three weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayors office to be paid. The mayor hands him a check for six million dollars.
The pigeon buster looks at the check and says, "I guess you want to ask me one question."
The mayor replies, "Yeah. Do you have another one of those pink boxes that will get rid of all the insurance salesmen?"
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A client calls up his insurance agent and tells him he needs to file a claim.
The agent says "Tell me what happened?"
The client tells him and the agent says "I'm sorry but that's not covered."
The client says "Well, let me explain better what happened."
The agent says "I´m sorry but that´s not covered either."
The client says " I´ll tell you what, you tell me what´s covered and I´ll tell you how it happened!"
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Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan:
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with:
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with:
"From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the ace, but finally came up with:
"From the erection to the resurrection."
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I was hitting the ski slopes when a bizarre accident occurred. While fumbling my way off a chair lift, another chair hit me from behind and knocked me out cold. I woke up with a headache, in a hospital bed and immediately called my insurance company.
After explaining what happened the insurance rep said, "We're covering nothing on this claim. You hit yourself in the head with a chair on a ski lift. You're an idiot. And that's a pre-existing condition."
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A man is walking down the street smoking, drinking bourbon and swearing to himself.
A preacher came over to him and dressed him down good. He finished with "I´m 64 years old and I have never smoked, drank or swore!"
The man replyed "Yes, and you ain´t never sold insurance either!"
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A wealthy man lay critically ill.
"There's only one thing that will save you," his doctor said. "A brain transplant. It's experimental and very expensive."
"Money is no object," the man said. "Can you get a brain?"
"There are three available. The first was from a college professor, but it'll cost you $10,000."
"Don't worry, I can pay. What about the second?"
"It was from a rocket scientist. It'll cost you $100,000."
"I have the money. And I'd be a lot smarter too. But what about the third?"
"The third was from a managed care reviewer. It will set you back half a million dollars."
"Why so much for the managed care reviewer's brain?" the patient asked.
His doctor replied, "Never been used."
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Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care:
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" It roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with high-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can an HMO general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. How is a hospital gown like insurance?
A. You're never covered as much as you think you are.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Q. Where was the first mention of insurance in the bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.
Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
Q. What did the nudist say to the insurance agent?
A. Am I fully covered?
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Vision & Dental Insurance |
You might be in insurance industry if...
1. You have sat in the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different companies.
2. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
3. When someone asks what you do for a living, you lie.
4. You get really excited about a 2% pay rise.
5. Your biggest loss from a systems crash is that you lose your best jokes.
6. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
7. It's dark on your drive to and from work.
8. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
9. Communication is something your "group" is having problems with.
10. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
12. Art involves a white board.
13. All real work is done prior 9:00 AM and after 5:00 PM.
14. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
15. Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.
16. Your boss's favorite lines are ...
"when you get a few minutes ..."
"in your spare time ..."
"when you're freed-up ..."
"I have an opportunity for you ..."
17. More than 10% of the people in your company do not know what you do.
18. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
19. Change is the norm.
20. Nepotism is encouraged.
21. You read this entire list and understand it.
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Mr. Barricks was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Barricks, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister" he answered.
"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Barricks. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Barricks. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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There were three medical specialists standing at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter said to the first, "And what have you done to be able to enter heaven?"
"I'm a breast surgeon."
"Enter, you've done a wonderful job."
To the second he said "And what about you?"
"I'm an oncologist"
"Enter, you really hung in there on earth." To the third he said "Yes, and you?"
"I was a director of an HMO"
"Enter, but you'll have to leave after 3 days."
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The Pope, an HMO CEO and a student nurse are flying on an airplane. The captain comes back and says that he has some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is that the plane is going to crash! As he puts on a parachute and jumps out he says that the really bad news is that there are only 2 more parachutes.
The HMO CEO says "I am the smartest man in the world, and the world of Health Care would be nothing without me!" With that he puts on a parachute and jumps out.
The Pope says "Well, my child, I would love to live, but I believe that my time is up. Please take the other parachute and save yourself."
The student nurse says "Not to worry sir. Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to find the rip-cord on my back pack!"
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"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.
The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."
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Sex Life Insurance
- If you sleep with your wife that's Legal and General.
- If you sleep with your girlfriend that's Mutual Trust.
- If you sleep with a prostitute that's Commercial Union.
- If you sleep with all types that's Group Life.
- If your wife lets you sleep around that's Liberty Life.
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Long Term Care Insurance |
A cowboy wanted to take out a life insurance policy. Talking to an insurance agent about his policy, the insurance agent asked the cowboy, "Have you ever had any accidents?"
The cowboy repled, "No, no accidents." Then, after a short pause he added "But a bronco kicked in a couple of my ribs, and a rattlesnake bit me a couple of years ago."
"Well!" replied the insurance agent, "Don’t you call those accidents?"
The cowboy replied, "No, I don’t—they done it on purpose!"
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Arguing with an insurance adjuster is like wrestling a pig in the mud...after awhile, you realize he likes it.
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Adjusters do it then deny it later.
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Insurance Policies: Bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away!
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A doctor was walking on the beach and noticed an empty bottle. He kicked the bottle.
A genie suddenly came out of the bottle and said "Gee thanks!! I've been locked in the bottle for five hundred years!! Just for that I'll grant you three wishes. I have to warn you, however, that each of the HMOs with which you have contracted will get double."
So the doctor thought about it. He then stated "For my first wish I'd like a million dollars."
The genie said, "Okay. But remember, HMOs will get two million dollars"
And the doctor said "that's okay with me."
The doctor then said for his second wish, "I'd like a house overlooking the cliffs down to the ocean."
The genie said, "Okay. But remember, HMO executives will be next door in a house twice as large and they like to party 24 hours a day."
The doctor said, "I think I can live with that."
So the genie said, "For your third wish you'd better think long and hard."
So the doctor, after thinking it over, said, "Could you beat me half to death?"
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My friend called his insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
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Several years ago, we had an underwriting trainee who was none too swift. One day, he was doing a certificate of insurance and turned to a co-worker and said, "I'm almost out of paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the trainee took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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