Managed Care (HMO) Jokes



  THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOU´VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

  9. Directions to your doctor´s office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park".

  8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

  7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

  6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

  5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

  4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

  3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

  2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn´t come in different colors with little "M´s" on them.

  1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

  WHAT GOOD WILL VIAGRA DO HIM?

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The Doctor attending and prescribed continued intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.

"It will keep the sheet off of him."

  PROFESSIONAL COURTESY

An HMO Executive, a teacher and a banker were in a sailboat. Suddenly the boat hit a large rock which tore a hole in the bottom of the boat. To their horror they discovered that the life raft only had room for two passengers. A beautiful tropical island was visible on the horizon, but the water was infested with bloodthirsty sharks. While the teacher and banker were wondering what to do, the HMO executive dove into the water and began to swim toward the island. The others got into the raft and paddled off.

When they finally arrived on the shore of the island, they found the HMO executive sitting under a palm tree, sipping coconut milk. They were flabbergasted. "How did you survive in there with all of those bloodthirsty sharks?" they demanded.

"Easy," he replied as he took another sip, "Professional courtesy."

  A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"



  HATE TO BE HOOKED UP

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It´s a floor-cleaning machine."

  SQUEEZE A LEMON

The Blue Crab Bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a pin stripe suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I´d like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd´s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

"Oh no" said the little man, "I set fee schedules for an HMO."

  BLONDE WITH A WALKMAN

A pretty, young blonde insurance agent, wearing a walkman with earphones, goes into the beauty parlor for a haircut. The stylist asks her to please remove the headphones, but the blonde tells her to cut around them.

Well, the stylist goes to work, carefully avoiding the headphones, but without realizing it, she accidentally snips the wire going from the headphones to the walkman.

Within several minutes, the blonde slides out of the chair, quite dead.

The stylist, in an attempt to find out what the blonde was listening to, pulls the plug from the headphones out of the walkman and hears: "Inhale ... Exhale ... Inhale ... Exhale ..."

  BAD NAME

The problem is that 99.99% of the HMO's make a bad name for the rest of them.

  SANTA CLAUS

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest hospital administrator and a drunk were walking down a street together when, all at the same time, they spy a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

Obviously the drunk, because the other three are mythological creatures.

  NOT EATING PROPERLY

A man walks into a Doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks.

"You're not eating properly," replies the Doctor.

  HMO MANAGER & SATAN

The CEO of a large managed care corporation was sitting in his office late one night, gloating over his latest acquisitions. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke and the smell of brimstone, Satan appeared before him.

Satan smiled at the CEO and said, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every every health care contract you bid on, for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and the souls of all the shareholders in your company."

The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what´s the catch?"

  DR. SMITH PASSED AWAY

The receptionist in a managed care hospital's executive offices answered the phone the morning after the hospital's disliked vice-president passed away unexpectedly. "Is Dr. Smith available?" asked the patient on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Dr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?" The man paused for a moment, then quietly said 'no' and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Dr. Smith, the administrator who had refused to allow his personal physician to extend his hospital stay.

The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Dr. Smith has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Dr. Smith. The receptionist was more than her usual annoyed by this time. "I've told you twice already, Dr. Smith is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"

The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."

  CHARITY & HMO CEO

The chairman of a large charity noted that the wealthy CEO of a major managed care company had never given him a donation He called on the CEO in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The CEO replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"

Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.

"Well, since I don´t give any money to them," he continued, "why should I give any to you?"

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  THE PIGEON BUSTER

There is a huge pigeon problem in the city - pigeon droppings are everywhere and it is a real mess. The mayor tells his staffers to find a way to get rid of the pigeons forever. Many things are tried, but nothing seems to be able to get rid of the pigeons.

Finally the staffers find a 'pigeon buster' who guarantees to get rid of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee will be five million dollars - plus one million dollars for each question asked.

The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the pigeons disappear immediately, and they don´t come back.

Three weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayors office to be paid. The mayor hands him a check for six million dollars.

The pigeon buster looks at the check and says, "I guess you want to ask me one question."

The mayor replies, "Yeah. Do you have another one of those pink boxes that will get rid of all the insurance salesmen?"

  MANAGED CARE ETHICS

Title for the meeting held in California recently was an excellent example for oxymoron: "Managed Care Ethics."

  BEDRIDDEN

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

  THAT'S NOT COVERED

A client calls up his insurance agent and tells him he needs to file a claim.

The agent says "Tell me what happened?"

The client tells him and the agent says "I´m sorry but that´s not covered."

The client says "Well, let me explain better what happened."

The agent says "I´m sorry but that´s not covered either."

The client says " I´ll tell you what, you tell me what´s covered and I´ll tell you how it happened!"

  FOUR INSURANCE COMPANIES ARE IN COMPETITION

One comes up with the slogan:
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with:
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with:
"From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the ace, but finally came up with:
"From the erection to the resurrection."

  HEART TRANSPLANT DONORS

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is a managed care executive who just died after working for 30 years."

"I´ll take the MCO executive´s heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn´t been used."

  PLAY DOCTOR

Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor."

"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

  PROSTATE SURGERY ON MEDICARE

My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at 8 a.m. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home.

Two months later our beagle Flo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Flo would remain overnight.

"Overnight?" I said. "My father-in-law came home the same day."

The vet looked at me and said, "Flo´s not on Medicare."

  FUMBLING OFF A CHAIR LIFT

I was hitting the ski slopes when a bizarre accident occurred. While fumbling my way off a chair lift, another chair hit me from behind and knocked me out cold. I woke up with a headache, in a hospital bed and immediately called my insurance company.

After explaining what happened the insurance rep said, "We´re covering nothing on this claim. You hit yourself in the head with a chair on a ski lift. You´re an idiot. And that´s a pre-existing condition."

  A WEALTHY MAN LAY CRITICALLY ILL

"There´s only one thing that will save you," his doctor said. "A brain transplant. It´s experimental and very expensive."

"Money is no object," the man said. "Can you get a brain?"

"There are three available. The first was from a college professor, but it´ll cost you $10,000."

"Don´t worry, I can pay. What about the second?"

"It was from a rocket scientist. It´ll cost you $100,000."

"I have the money. And I´d be a lot smarter too. But what about the third?"

"The third was from a managed care reviewer. It will set you back half a million dollars."

"Why so much for the managed care reviewer´s brain?" the patient asked.

His doctor replied, "Never been used."

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  MANAGED CARE DOCTORS ON STRIKE

News Flash: "Doctors at a large managed care network gone on strike. Managed Care Officials say they will find out what the Doctors´ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs."

  FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT HEALTH CARE:

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" It roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with high-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don´t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day´s drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don´t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You´ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I´d already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I´m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn´t do that. You´ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can an HMO general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you´re risking is the $10 co-payment, there´s no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. How is a hospital gown like insurance?
A. You´re never covered as much as you think you are.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. What does a government retiree miss most about no longer having a job?
A. Not being able to call in sick six or seven times a month.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Q. Where was the first mention of insurance in the bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q. What did the nudist say to the insurance agent?
A. Am I fully covered?


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  YOU MIGHT BE IN THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY IF...

1.   You have sat in the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different companies.

2.   Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

3.   When someone asks what you do for a living, you lie.

4.   You get really excited about a 2% pay rise.

5.   Your biggest loss from a systems crash is that you lose your best jokes.

6.   You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

7.   It´s dark on your drive to and from work.

8.   Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

9.   Communication is something your "group" is having problems with.

10. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.

11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

12. Art involves a white board.

13. All real work is done prior 9:00 AM and after 5:00 PM.

14. You´re already late on the assignment you just received.

15. Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.

16. Your boss´s favorite lines are ...
       "when you get a few minutes ..."
       "in your spare time ..."
       "when you´re freed-up ..."
       "I have an opportunity for you ..."

17. More than 10% of the people in your company do not know what you do.

18. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.

19. Change is the norm.

20. Nepotism is encouraged.

21. You read this entire list and understand it.

  BLIND FIREMAN GOLFERS

An ophthalmologist, a priest and an HMO CEO were waiting to tee off at their local country club. Two guys in front of them were stumbling around, hitting balls in all directions, swinging and missing and in general holding up the whole show.

The club pro happened to walk by and the three called him over to complain about the two in front of them.

The pro said, "Oh, lighten up a little. Those are two firemen that lost their sight while fighting the fire we had in the clubhouse last winter. We let them play whenever they want for free."

The priest contritely said, "I feel so bad for thinking ill of those two. I´m going to offer special prayers for them."

The eye doctor said, "I feel the same way, I´m going to get with some of my colleagues and see if there isn´t something we can do for those guys."

The HMO CEO replied, "I just wonder why these guys can´t play at night?"

  CORONARY SURGERY AT MERCY HOSPITAL

Mr. Barricks was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Barricks, you´re going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I´m not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I´m afraid I cannot, Sister" he answered.

"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she´s a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Barricks. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Barricks. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

  PARKERS BROTHERS NEW BOARD GAME

Parker Brothers (the folks who brought us Monopoly), decided they wanted to develop a new board game. Managed healthcare is a popular topic, so they decided that the game would use "Managed Healthcare" as its theme.

In order to give the game credibility, they hired five consultants (CEOs from the most prestigious hospitals in the country). When the consultants arrived at the headquarters of Parker, they were all locked in a room and were advised that they would not be released until they completed the conceptual design of a new Managed Healthcare game.

Three days elapsed before the consultants signaled that they had completed their project. Top management from Parkers immediately assembled with the consultants, anxious to learn of their expert recommendation.

Parker Bros. Spokesperson: Is it a board game?

Consultants' Spokesperson: Yes.

Parker Bros. Spokesperson: Does it use dice and movable players?

Consultants' Spokesperson: Yes, Yes.

Parker Bros. Spokesperson: What are the rules of the game?

Consultants' Spokesperson: The first one to make a move ... loses!

  CARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE PROLONGS LIFE

Q. I´ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that´s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that´s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

  GATES OF HEAVEN

There were three medical specialists standing at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter said to the first, "And what have you done to be able to enter heaven?"

"I´m a breast surgeon."

"Enter, you´ve done a wonderful job."

To the second he said "And what about you?"

"I´m an oncologist"

"Enter, you really hung in there on earth." To the third he said "Yes, and you?"

"I was a director of an HMO"

"Enter, but you´ll have to leave after 3 days."

  SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD

The Pope, an HMO CEO and a student nurse are flying on an airplane. The captain comes back and says that he has some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is that the plane is going to crash! As he puts on a parachute and jumps out he says that the really bad news is that there are only 2 more parachutes.

The HMO CEO says "I am the smartest man in the world, and the world of Health Care would be nothing without me!" With that he puts on a parachute and jumps out.

The Pope says "Well, my child, I would love to live, but I believe that my time is up. Please take the other parachute and save yourself."

The student nurse says "Not to worry sir. Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to find the rip-cord on my back pack!"

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  CZECHOSLOVAKIAN COMPANION

An HMO accounts clerk had a cabin in the West Virginia mountains and liked to go there for his frequent vacation times. Each summer, he would invite a different friend to spend a week or two up at his cabin. One particular summer, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend agreed.

Early one morning, the clerk and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering buckets of delicious red raspberries, along came two huge Bears -- a male and a female.

The HMO accounts clerk, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn´t as fast, and the male bear grabbed him and swallowed him whole.

The clerk ran back to his car, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and they dashed back to the berry patch. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He´s in THAT one!" cried the clerk, pointing to the male bear.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE BEAR!

"What do you think you´re doing??" exclaimed the clerk, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe an HMO accounts clerk who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" 

  SEX LIFE INSURANCE


  PSYCHIATRISTS KNOW NOTHING

Psychiatrists know nothing and do nothing.

Internists know everything and do nothing.

Surgeons know nothing and do everything.

Pathologists know everything and do everything, but too late.

  COWBOY TAKING OUT A LIFE INSURANCE POLICY

A cowboy wanted to take out a life insurance policy. Talking to an insurance agent about his policy, the insurance agent asked the cowboy, "Have you ever had any accidents?"

The cowboy repled, "No, no accidents." Then, after a short pause he added "But a bronco kicked in a couple of my ribs, and a rattlesnake bit me a couple of years ago."

"Well!" replied the insurance agent, "Don’t you call those accidents?"

The cowboy replied, "No, I don’t—they done it on purpose!"

  SWITCH FROM LAB RATS

At a scientific research convention one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from lab rats to managed care reviewers for our experiments?"

The other asked, "Why the switch?"

"Three reasons," he replied, "First we found that these reviewers have become far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don´t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won´t do. However, sometimes it´s hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

  WRESTLING A PIG IN MUD

Arguing with an insurance adjuster is like wrestling a pig in the mud...after awhile, you realize he likes it.

  ADJUSTERS DO IT

Adjusters do it then deny it later.

  IRS AGENT DROWNING

If a retrospective claims reviewer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

  I WISH YOU HAD COME SOONER

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you´d come to me sooner."




  THE BOLD PRINT GIVETH

Insurance Policies: Bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away!

  ACT OF GOD DESIGNATION

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.

  GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor said, "They´re going to name a disease after you."

  A GENIE AND A DOCTOR

A doctor was walking on the beach and noticed an empty bottle. He kicked the bottle.

A genie suddenly came out of the bottle and said "Gee thanks!! I´ve been locked in the bottle for five hundred years!! Just for that I´ll grant you three wishes. I have to warn you, however, that each of the HMOs with which you have contracted will get double."

So the doctor thought about it. He then stated "For my first wish I´d like a million dollars."

The genie said, "Okay. But remember, HMOs will get two million dollars"

And the doctor said "that´s okay with me."

The doctor then said for his second wish, "I´d like a house overlooking the cliffs down to the ocean."

The genie said, "Okay. But remember, HMO executives will be next door in a house twice as large and they like to party 24 hours a day."

The doctor said, "I think I can live with that."

So the genie said, "For your third wish you´d better think long and hard."

So the doctor, after thinking it over, said, "Could you beat me half to death?"

  CHANGE OF ADDRESS

My friend called his insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I´m not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

  EXECUTIVES DON´T LIE

On the other hand, insurance company executives donít lie --- they really just donít know what the the truth is!

  USE COPIER MACHINE PAPER

Several years ago, we had an underwriting trainee who was none too swift. One day, he was doing a certificate of insurance and turned to a co-worker and said, "I´m almost out of paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the trainee took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

  ALZHEIMER´S OR AIDS

Mr. Barricks goes to the doctor´s office to collect his wife´s test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I´m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Barricks were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife´s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Barricks has tested positive for Alzheimer´s and the other for AIDS. We can´t tell which is your wife."

"That´s terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won´t pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don´t sleep with her."

  SEXUAL DISORDERS STUDENT

A young, intelligent medical student specializing in sexual disorders decides to take a tour of a local clinic. Eager to impress a future doctor, the chief resident shows him around the facility.

While discussing current cases and the facility, they stumble across a patient masturbating in his room. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the resident replies. "If he doesnít ejaculate 5-10 times a day, heíll become confused and disoriented."

As the pair continue their tour, the student walks past another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "Whatís his story?"

"Oh, itís the same condition," the doctor replies  "He just has a better health plan."

  CARDIOLOGIST´S DIET

And the cardiologist´s diet: "If it tastes good spit it out."

  I NEED NEW GLASSES

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his record book and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"

"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private.

"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"

"No, no none of those..." said the private.

"Well then, what is it?"

"I'd rather not tell you sir..."

"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."

"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.

"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"

"You see, she crossed her legs....."

  LIVE TO 80 YEARS OLD

Doctor: You´re in good health. You´ll live to be 80 years old.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you!


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  ALLERGIC FOUR YEAR OLD

I took my young son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc. The nurse came into the exam room and started to ask me routine questions.

When she got to "Is he allergic to anything" my four-year-old son stood up and said "YES, I´m allergic to shots!"

  VASECTOMY PROCEDURE

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the nurse comes in and take his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

She informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.

Then the nurse wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"

She responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

  THREE NURSES PLAY A TRICK

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear."

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms."

The third nurse fainted.

  KILLING FLYS

After a successful insurance career a man in his sixties decided to start taking it easy. Now soon after he got extremely bored, and was always looking for a challenge. Killing flies with a newspaper was way to easy so his decided to use one of his wife's hairpins. His wife comes home and sees him stabbing into the air with one of her hairpins.

She thinks maybe he is getting senile, and asks "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"

He replies back to her, "Oh just eliminating some pesky flies, I got 3 males, along with 2 females."

Thinking he must be getting looney, she says, "Now tell me how it is that you know what gender they were?"

He responds, "Easy, the 3 males were on the beercan, and the 2 females were on the phone."

  TWO LITTLE KIDS

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.""

The first kid said "You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!""

The second kid then asked "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded "Well, I'm here for a circumcision.""

The second kid said "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

  PHYSICIAN AND HER FOUR-YEAR-OLD

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

  CHOCOLATE PLEASE

A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.

"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.

  DIGGING IN THE FLOWER BEDS

A man walking into a hospital notices a prominent surgeon and his surgical resident down on their hands and knees digging in one of the flower beds. He goes over to them and asks, "Can I help? Did you lose something?"

"No," says one of the surgeons, "We´re about to do a heart transplant on a managed care executive and we´re looking for a suitable stone."

  SATAN TAKING A PHYSICIAN ON A TOUR

A prominent doctor died and went to hell. Satan was taking the physician on his tour of where he would spend eternity. He explained to the doctor as they walked down a long hallway filled with doors marked with numbers, "I allow some new residents a chance to choose their own little hell. These are the rooms you will get to pick from."

Just then, the Devil´s pager went off. "Darn, I have to answer that. Stay here, I´ll be right back." The doctor stood there for a moment, then decided he could look around on his own.

He walked through door #1. Inside, he was standing in the middle of a large metropolitan ER bustling with activity. Patients were lined up along the halls in stretchers moaning and shouting. Several ambulances were pulling up, each carrying multiple traumas. The doctor thought, "Man, this is the ER from hell. I´m not staying here..." and walked back out the door.

He walked down the hall and entered door #2. Inside, he was surrounded by geriatric patients in wheelchairs and walkers. All of the patients were confused and combative, and the smell of urine filled the air. The doctor thought, "This is the nursing home from hell, I´m getting out of here..." and walked back into the hall.

He walked into door #3. Inside, he was standing at the nurses station of a hospital ward. As he walked in, a nurse stood up and said, "Hello, Doctor, would you like to sit in my chair? Could I get you some coffee? Do you need me to page anyone?" The doctor smiled to himself and walked out into the hall.

Soon, the Devil returned and said, "OK, let´s get on with your tour."

The doctor said, "While you were gone, I looked around and have decided to go to door #3."

The Devil smiled and clapped the doctor´s back. "Sorry, doctor," he said, "that´s one of the choices for nurses´ hell!"


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  MEDICAL ONE LINERS

Today 4 out of 5 doctors recommend another doctor.

I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.

New pill to increase virility. It backfired and I got hemorrhoids.

It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.

We used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it is with 5 milligrams of Valium.

My mom takes so many Iron tablets the only time she feels good is when she's facing magnetic north. My brothers are fighting over her mineral rights.

A young housewife asked her friend, "What is that you're taking -- The pill?" "No it's a tranquilizer. I forgot to take the pill."

Do your drug experimenting on politicians.

Miracle drug -- Anything that will do 25% as much as the label says.

Miracle drug -- Anything the kids will take without screaming.

The doctor used so many medicines he didn't know which one worked.

An apple a day won't do it!!!

Socialized Medicine is where the psychiatrist lays down on the couch with you.

Hypochondriac: Someone who takes different pills than you do.

Hospital bills now are divided into parts and labor.

If laughter was the best medicine doctors would find a way to charge for it.

Virus is a Latin word for your guess is as good as mine.

Costrophobia -- Fear of rising drug prices.

We need a good affordable disease.

My artificial kidney got kidney stones.

Germs attack the weakest part of your body -- the head.

Modern day prescription -- take one pill as often as you can afford it.

Side effect of the new wonder drugs--Bankruptcy.

Say what you want about managed health care...it's given us more ulcers.

America the land of 6 lane highways, one way streets and 4 way cold tablets.

Diet tranquilizer -- you don't lose weight, but you really don't care.

We drink toasts to everyone elses health and ruin our own.

If you can't cure it, insure it.

Said by a man: My health insurance policy only pays if I get pregnant.

The latest managed care program was named after a pizza parlor -- Shakees.

This managed care movement is picking up steam. That's what happens when you're going down hill.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who were arch rivals.

Sign in podiatrist's office "Toe Zone.

Podiatrists have a real foothold on the medical profession.

Thanks to the tremendous strides in medicine people are living longer. This gives them the extra time needed to pay their medical bills.

The doctor said to let him know how my prescription works because he's having the same problem himself.

The new drugs are so exciting I feel like I'm missing something by being in good health.

Drug abuse used to be two doses of castor oil.

Some people only feel good when their pep pills forge ahead of their tranquilizers.

Penicillin has been called the "wonder drug" because any time the doctor wonders what you have, that's what you get.

A lot of people who switched from cyclamates to saccharin got artificial diabetes.

To find out what your doctor recommends just watch TV. It's a lot cheaper.

The 'practice' of medicine???

The nurse said "Don't worry, the doctor has seen an operation exactly like yours on TV."

It's not habit forming. I know. I've been taking it for twelve years now.

He that takes medicine and neglects diet wastes the skill of the physician.

James Bryce -- Medicine the only profession that labors incessantly to destroy the reason for it's own existence.

George Bernard Shaw 1856 -- He's a devout believer in the department of witchcraft called medical science.

Martin Fischer 1879 -- Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window except that the birds might eat them.

William Osler 1849-1919 (Canadian Physician writer teacher of medicine) -- The desire to take medicines is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.

Voltaire 1694-1778 -- The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

Voltaire 1694-1778 -- Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into human beings of whom they know nothing.


  DRAG YOUR MOUSE TO SEE THE ANSWERS

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb in an HMO?  Answer: Only one, but it needs a pre-auth before it can be done.
Q:  What´s a shy and retiring hospital executive? Answer: An executive who´s a million dollars shy and that´s why he is retiring.
Q:  Why do hospital CEOs carry their certification on their dashboard?? Answer: So they can park in the handicapped parking; it´s proof of a moral disability.
Q:   What do you give a man who has everything? Answer: Antibiotics.
Q:   Why was Mary forced to give birth in a stable? Answer: She was insured by an HMO (and they only covered 24 hours in the manger!)
Q:  Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order? Answer: It´s called Suture Self.
Q:  What is the difference between HMO´s and Terrorists? Answer: You can bargain with terrorists.
Q:  Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of managed care reviewers? Answer: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren´t met.
Q:  What is the difference between an HMO and a car battery? Answer: The battery has a positive side.
Q:  What is the difference between an HMO doctor and a seagull? Answer: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.

Have you hugged your insurance agent today? We need your support.

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