INSURANCE AGENTS

Insurance agents never retire, they just expire.

Insurance agents are premium lovers.

Insurance agents do it with third parties.

  BARN BURNED DOWN

Jim´s barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

"Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn´t work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." the agent replied.

Julie, after a pause, said, "Well, in that case, I´d like to cancel the policy on my husband."

  TURNING AGE 65

What´s the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from life insurance agents.

  MARRY AN INSURANCE AGENT

A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, "I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live."

"Oh that´s terrible," the woman sighs, "what am I going do?"

The doctor replies, "Marry an insurance agent."

"Will I live longer?" asks the woman. "

"No," replies the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

  DATE AN INSURANCE AGENT

There was a beautiful Blonde talking to the police after a car accident and explaining why she does not have insurance.

The blonde says "there are worst things in life than totaling your car."

The policeman looked at her and asked "Oh what?"

The blonde replied "Spending an evening with the insurance agent."

  GENIE GRANTS A WISH

A insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He´s gone.

"OK, you´re up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

  $30,000 CASH IN AN ENVELOPE

Mr. James Barricks, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:

"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."

Mr. Barricks died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed "I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Barricks, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It´s what he would have wanted."

Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Barricks. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it´s what Mr. Barricks would´ve wanted"

The insurance agent was angry at both men and said: "I can´t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Barricks a check for the full $30,000!"

  ALL AGENTS ARE CROOKS

A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, "I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn´t like it, come up and do something about it."

Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, "You take that back!"

The drunk snears and replies, "Why, are you an agent?"

"No," the man replies, "I´m a crook."

  LOWERING YOUR IQ

A super genius goes in to see a doctor. "Doc," the genius says, "I think I´m too smart. I´m having trouble even communicating with people because we have no common frame of reference, and it´s ruining my social life. Can anything be done?"

The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, "Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why your having trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away some of your intellegence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You´ll still be a genius, but you should be able to lead a normal life as well."

The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.

Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a heated phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He rushes back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.

The doctor says, "Are you all right?"

The former genius just stares blankly.

The doctor shakes him, saying "Say Something."

The former genius replies, "Can I interest you in a life insurance policy?"


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  CONFUSIUS SAY

Confusius Say:

Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn´t there the first time, chances are you won´t be needing it again.

Never argue with an idiot client. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

  SLEEP IN THE BARN

An insurance salesman, risk manager and a safety director are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.

The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.

In a short time they´re awakened by a knock. It´s the safety director, who says, "There´s a cow in that barn. I´m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

The risk manager says that, OK, he´ll sleep in the barn.

The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.

It´s the risk manager who says, "There´s a pig in the barn. I´m Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."

So the insurance salesman is sent to the barn.

It´s getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.

But they´re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It´s the cow and the pig!

  HOW DID YOUR GRANDFATHER DIE?

A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. He asked his client how his grandfather died.

This was his client´s startling answer. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

  BUYING A RETIREMENT POLICY

Last week I bought a retirement policy. All I´ve got to do is keep up the payments for 15 years and my agent can retire.

  MY GROUP INSURANCE PLAN

I thought my group insurance plan was fine until I discovered that I couldn´t collect until the whole group is sick.

  LIFE INSURANCE SMALL PRINT

I bought a new life insurance policy but the small print is impossible to understand. All I´m sure of is that after I die, I can stop paying.

  LIFE INSURANCE IS WEIRD

Life insurance is really strange. It´s a weird concept. You really don´t get anything for it. It works like this: You pay me money. And when you die, I´ll pay you money.

  INSURANCE KEEPS PEOPLE POOR

Buying insurance is what keeps people poor so that they can end up dying rich.

  DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

A state adopts strict new insurance self study CE (Continuing Education) requirements for its agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.

On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.

"You´ll never finish this test on time," the test administrator coldly states.

"Just give me the test," replies the agent, "I´ll finish it."

Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.

The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.

"You can´t turn that in," states the test administrator, "you knew there was a time limit."

"Do you know who I am?" replies the agent.

"No", says the administrator.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" the agent says more forcefully.

"No, and I really don´t care" replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.

"Good," says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.

  DON'T BE JITTERY

A retired insurance agent, now in his mid 70's, about to receive anesthesia is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon should only perform the operation.

The old man signalled to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" asked the son.

"Don´t be jittery son, perform your best, and never forget that if it fails, if something should happen to me, your mother will live with you and your wife the rest of her days."

  SMOKING, DRINKING & SWEARING

A man is walking down the street smoking, drinking bourbon and swearing to himself.

A preacher came over to him and dressed him down good. He finished with "I´m 64 years old and I have never smoked, drank or swore!"

The man replied "Yes, and you have never sold insurance either!"

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  ST. PETER AT THE GOLDEN GATES

Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dream.

Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said "I must check your record, please stand here and wait."

He turned and said "Your record Is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause.

I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you´ve done everything a good person should never do.

We can´t have people like you up here, your life was full of sin,"
Then he read the last of my record, took my hand and said "Come in."

He lead me up to the big boss and said "Take him in and treat him well,
He used to sell Insurance, he´s done his time in hell."

  AGENTS GREETING

How do agents traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. Nice to meet you. I´m better than you."

  THREE WEEKS

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can´t see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

  BIG BREATHS

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient´s anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

  HORSE RACE TRACK

A Life Insurance agent decides to take a good friend with him to the horse race track and enjoy the afternoon. When he returns home his wife asks, "How was your day, did you make any money."

He replies back "Well, I didn't make any money today, but my client sure learned how gambling with the numbers certainly doesn´t pay off."

  ACCIDENT INSURANCE

With all of today´s attractive accident insurance policies, a man can´t afford to die a natural death.

  START A FLOOD

A lawyer and a broker were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I´m here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."

"That´s quite a coincidence," said the broker. "I´m here because my house was destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

  THE LAWYERS

My dinner party was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy. "In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money?"

I cringed when he shouted "The lawyers!"

There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I do love a story with a happy ending!"

  THREE WISHES

An agent walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."

The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I´ve always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the salesman, "I´ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

  ANNOYANCES

Life is beset by many annoyances, and those that stand out above all are the life insurance agents.

  WOODY ALLEN QUOTE

"There are worst things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance agent?" (Woody Allen)

  BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

  PLAYING DOCTOR

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

  TWENTY CLIENTS JUST LIKE YOU

An insurance agent said to a customer,

"Thank you, Mr. Barricks, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty clients like you."

"Gosh, it´s nice to hear that, but I´m kind of surprised," admitted Mr. Barricks. "you know that I file many claims and always pay premium late."

The insurance agent said, " I´d still like twenty clients like you. The problem is, I have two hundred like you."


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  LOSE A HUSBAND

"Do you know the present value of your husband´s policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client.

"What do you mean?" countered the woman.

"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.

The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."

  HABITS SAMPLE

After sampling the habits of 1,000 insurance agents that retired while still in their fifties, these findings were announced: They spent 10% of their time doing some form of work, another 10% eating, drinking, or snacking, 35% sleeping or napping, and 45% of their time looking for things that they just had a minute ago.

  TRAIN TUNNEL

An underwriter, an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard. When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.

The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.

The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.

The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.

The underwriter is thinking: I can´t wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!

  EXPLAIN FATHERS DEATH

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn´t answer the question about the cause of death of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: ´Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.´"

  GEORGE CARLIN QUOTE

Don´t you think it´s unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice?"

  JACK BENNY QUOTE

"I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too."

  G.I. INSURANCE

Airman James Barricks was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn´t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Barricks had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Barricks´s sales pitch.

Barricks explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don´t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

  INSURANCE JOB

James Barricks walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don´t need anyone," he was told.

"You can´t afford not to hire me," James said. "I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I´m the world´s best salesman," James said. "I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked.

"What´s that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

James was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on the desk and says, "Here´s Mr. Brown´s and this one is Mr. Jones´s."

"That´s good," they said, "but what´s in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers´ convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

  THE STORY OF TWELVE INSURANCE MEN

First man slept with his wife .............Home Insurance

Second man slept with his girl ............Mutual Benefit

Third man slept with a chorus girl ........New York Life

Fourth man slept with his secretary .......Employers Mutual

Fifth man slept with a hotel maid .........Travelers Aid

Sixth man slept with just anybody .........Metropolitan

Seventh man slept with nobody .............John Handcock

Eighth man slept with the woman next door....Royal Neighbors

Ninth man slept with an old maid ..........Prudential

Tenth man slept with grandma ..............Old Age Insurance

Eleventh man slept with his boyfriend .....Odd Fellows

Twelfth man slept with Charlie McCarthy ...Modern Woodsman


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  HASTY DECISION

Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don´t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."

  OUR PAYOFF BOASTING

Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies service.

The first one said, "When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That´s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insureds who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as passed our floor."

  SMARTEST DOG

An accountant, architect, and insurance agent work in the same office building. They constantly argue who´s the smartest dog. They decide to bring their dogs to work the next week, and let the dogs actions determine who is the smartest.

The accountant opens a big box of dog biscuits and throws them on the table. He instructs his dog "Count" to add up the total biscuits. The well groomed female dog winks back muttering "ninety five." The account smiles and stretches back in his chair. He says "beat that!""

Going next, the architect uses the same box of biscuits. His beautiful female dog is "Bridget." Quickly the dog builds a three tiered, well designed bridge. The owner proudly says to the insurance agent, "You sure can't top that, it took me years to train my dog to do everything exactly right."

The insurance agent replies "Training means nothing, you need natural instinct."" He brings out his mongrel male dog, "Commission." Next he throws the dog biscuits in the trash. Commission instinctively rushes over to the two dogs, screws them both, and takes the rest of the day off.

  HUNTING DOG

A healh insurance agent goes hunting and wants to hire a dog to retrieve the catch.

"I have just the dog for you, sir." says the gamekeeper. "He's called Salesman and he is brilliant." The agent likes that name and off they go. Every time the hunter shoots a bird the dog runs off and brings the bird back just as he was hired to do; a great success.

The following year, the same guy goes back and asks for Salesman as he was so good last year.

"Ah, I'm sorry, sir, but it won't work anymore. Someone had the bright idea of calling him Sales Manager - now he just sits on his arse and barks all day".

  ELLEN DEGENERIS QUOTE

Life insurance agents always tell you to keep in shape "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Sheís 97 today and we donít know where the hell she is."

  CANNIBALS

Several cannibals were recently hired by a health insurance agency. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don´t eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You´re all working very hard, and I´m satisfied with you. However, one of our CSR´s has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the CSR?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we´ve been eating Producers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the Customer Service Representative!"

  HOW MANY AGENTS WORK FOR YOU?

Two insurance salesmanagers are discussing business one day. One manager asked "How many agents do you have working for you?"

The other manager replied "About half of them."

  BEAR HUNTING

A Life Insurance sales manager and an operation manager went bear hunting. While the operation manager stayed in the cabin, the sales manager went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward the sales manager, who started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear jumped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The sales manager jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

  SEVEN INSURANCE AGENTS

"You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents."

"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I´m them."

  HIT SOMETHING CHEAP

An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can´t stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."

  CAN´T KEEP UP THE PAYMENTS

Sad but true: One day when I was a new agent, I received a phone call from a lady saying that unfortunately she had to cancel her husband´s life insurance policy. "We always paid it in time", she said, "but since my dear husband´s sudden death last year I have had some financial hardship; therefore, I cannot pay it anymore."  I had the claim processed.

  DIRECT MARKETING

As part of its direct marketing program, a company sells life insurance over the phone. One of the oddest events these telemarketers had was when they received one phone call from a person wanting to buy life insurance. The person who answered the phone began writing the sale as normal until she got to the new customer´s residence; he was on death row, due to be executed the next day. She had to decline the sale.

  HAWAIIAN ISLANDS

A traveling insurance salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

  AGENT WON A TRIP

An insurance agent won a trip to Mexico City. Now he is trying to win a trip back home.

  3 PEOPLE DROWNING

If a risk manager, a broker and an underwriter were all drowning and you could only save one of them, which would you do first?

Go to lunch; or Read the paper.

  AGENT CAMPING OUT

A couple I know enjoys getting away from their high-stress jobs in the city by spending a few weekends out camping and relaxing in their motor home.

However, they often found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers. So, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now whenever they set up camp they place this sign on the door of their RV...

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

  KICK-THE-BOTTLE

An insurance agent is walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.

She says "Normally I grant three wishes, but in your case, I am going to grant only one".

He thinks a minute and says - "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed".

She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!

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  WHO WANTS TO LIVE TO 100?

When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Florida. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that´s stiff, I´m tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Barricks, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who´s 99."

  FIRE & THEFT

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn´t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?"

I said, "Fire and theft."

Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it´s burning down.

  BUYERS SECRETARY

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the policy.

  KEEP THAT WIFE

Insurance agent to his lawyer: I want a divorce. My wife hasn´t spoken to me for six months.

Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

  A DECENT BURIAL

Two insurance salesmen were driving down a country road at high speed and passed a pickup truck with an old couple inside. "Look at those fools, pa! Must be a couple of insurance salesman and they will surely meet their maker soon, I tell you."

Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a bad accident involving the two insurance salesmen. "Well maw, we got to do what any good folk would do and give´m a decent burial."

So the couple dug a hole and buried them. Just as they were putting their tools away, a cop drives up. "You folks see this accident?"

"No sir, but we knew them dang fools were going to have it when they passed us doing a hunert miles an hour. Well, we finally come across the accident and gave them insurance salesmen a decent burial"

"You were sure that they were dead??"

"Well, they said they weren´t, but you know how those insurance salesmen exaggerate!"

  MUTUAL CLIMAX

Two women are playing golf when one of them ask the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?"

The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."

  TEACH HIM TO SELL

Give an insurance agent a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to sell, and he will take a client to lunch and drink all day.

  APPLY TO SELL INSURANCE

I was applying for a job as an insurance salesman. The form requested prior experience so I wrote "lifeguard." When the manager met me he said, "We are looking for someone who can sell himself. How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

I replied, "I couldn't swim." I got the job.

  JEWISH MOTHERS POLICY

There´s a new insurance policy written especially for Jewish mothers.

It´s called the "My Fault" policy.

  INSURANCE SALESMAN & A FARMER

An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer.

"Look at it this way," he said finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?"

"Well . . ." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don´t reckon that´d be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I´m alive."

  TOP TEN TRUTHFUL CADDIES

By their very nature, Insurance Agents and Brokers are Golfers...
Here´s some that should tickle the Nine Iron:

#10
Golfer: "Think I´m going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I´d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You´ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don´t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It´s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It´s not a watch - it´s a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it´s a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it´s a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I´e ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn´t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can´t be my ball, it´s too old."
Caddy: "It´s been a long time since we teed off, sir."

  HUMAN BRAINS BUTCHER SHOP

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. The shop specialized in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:

Actuary´ Brains ... $9/lb

Loss Control Brains ... $12/lb

Underwriters´ Brains ... $15/lb

Claims Adjusters´ Brains ... $33/lb

Insurance Executives´ Brains ... $87/lb

Life Insurance Salesmens´ Brains ... $146/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those insurance salesmens´ brains must be something."

To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

  EXPENSIVE CIGARS BURNED

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued ... and WON!!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge´s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

  PIRATE´S WORKERS COMPENSATION

After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker´s compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related.

"How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent.

In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ´round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg."

The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?"

"Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ´round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate.

"That´s also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent.

The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!"

"What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" said the agent.

"It were the first day with me hook!"

Blue Shield of California logo    Affordable Health Insurance Online

  HEAVEN OR HELL

When a young health insurance salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.

"I´ll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to an eternity of musical produce.

"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the basement where he was greeted by one of Satan´s loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he´d ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you´ll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.

When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision. "Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I´ve decided to spend my eternity down there."

The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"

The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Sales Demo."

  INSURANCE & VACUUM SALESMEN

A new life insurance salesperson needing a boost turns to his successful vacuum salesperson friend. His buddy says, "Selling is easy, you don't even need leads, you just have to get their attention first." He tells the life insurance salesperson to come along with him.

Both salesman appear at an elderly lady's home. Before allowing the woman to speak, the vacuum salesperson rushes into the living room and throws a huge bag of nasty dirt all over her clean carpet. He confidently says, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit, then I'll eat all the dirt." The woman, loses her patience, saying, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

  CANNOT RECOVER FOUR THINGS

There are four things that you cannot recover in life:
(1) The Stone...........after it´s thrown,
(2) The Word............after it´s said,
(3) The Occasion......after it´s missed, and
(4) The Time.............after it´s gone.

  DRAG YOUR MOUSE TO SEE THE ANSWERS

To see the answer, drag your mouse from one corner of the box to the opposite corner.
Q: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common? Answer: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.
Q: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy? Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures
Q: Did you hear about the insurance executive that nearly died in a horseback riding accident? Answer: He was saved when the manager of the Wal Mart finally came out and unplugged it.
Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?  Answer: None, they´ll just have a CSR do it.
Q: How many CSRs does it take to change a light bulb?  Answer: Seven; one to change the bulb, and six to stand around and complain how producers do it.
Q: How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?  Answer: "How many did it take last year?"
Q: How many insurance agents does it take to change a light bulb?  Answer: That depends on whether the light bulb burned alone or with the whole house.
Q: Why is a CSRs like a mushroom? Answer: Because they´re kept in the dark, fed a lot of crap, and when they start to grow, they get canned.
Q: What do you get when you cross a monkey with a broker? Answer: Nothing, there´s some things even a monkey won´t do.
Q: I asked a broker how many producers he had working for him? Answer: He answered "about half of them".
Q: What is so great about turning 100? Answer: Insurance agents donít call anymore.
Q: I asked an agent how long he had been working for the company? Answer: He answered "ever since they threatened to fire me".
Q: When it the best time to start thinking about your retirement? Answer: Before your boss does.

Have you hugged your insurance agent today? We need your support.

Managed Care Jokes>>


Barricks Insurance Services
13900 NW Passage #302, Marina Del Rey, CA 90292
Phone:   (310) 827-7286    |   Fax:   (310) 827-0256
Toll-Free 1-877-Look4Life  (1-877-566-5454)

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